Finding A Gold Nugget In Trauma

Oprah Winfrey says, “What you focus on expands, and when you focus on the goodness in your life, you create more of it.”  I have found this to be true in the life I have built since I finished therapy in 2011.

It has been about 10 years since I had contact with my abusers. My mind still wanders to them occasionally and it’s not the awful things they did to me that occupies my mind but the thread of what could have been. During my trauma therapy, all we focused on was the abuse.  I found myself constantly asking my therapist, “Was there ever anything good?”  It wasn’t a question she could answer of course, but constantly swimming in the trauma was depressing.  I spent many days challenging my “people” (alters)  and straining to will myself to find at least one happy memory.  It has taken a long time for some of those memories to come back and while they are a very few, I treasure them like seeing the rainbow at the end of a stormy day.

The Christmas I remember getting my Snoopy lunch box is the one that comes back most often. I was 6. I didn’t get many gifts and I got to keep even fewer than that, but I wanted this one so bad and I was so proud of it. I can remember the feeling of pride and excitement as I held it, inspected it and thought of the wonderful food I could pack or hide in it.

Trauma therapy is hard and that is a memory I can cherish even through all the abuse. It isn’t much but with all the bad memories I have uncovered over the years, I do have little grains of gold that run through it and I am thankful for the gold nugget in the desert of trauma.

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