Running On Empty

I have come a long way in a short amount of time.  I credit the commitment I made to my own personal transformation.  I wanted to transform myself into the person I wanted to be. I have learned over the past several years however, that it hasn’t been a transformation. What I have been doing is uncovering the real me.  I have been shedding the layers of protection, the layers of hurt and anger, the layers of comfort and the layers of unreal, to get to my core being.  The true me lies inside, not outside of me. I cannot pickup the traits that I want from someone else, nor can I buy it off the rack in some store.  It lies within me, dormant, until I dig through the garbage I have collected and uncover it.  You know.  The garbage of a lifetime that we all pick up and collect.  The old victim roles, the unkind words, the regrets, the hurts, the moments that I cannot change but haven’t decided to let go of yet – yeah, that garbage.

I cannot readily see her yet.  I see glimpses of what other people see occasionally, but I uncover a little more everyday. I live for the moments when I see her truly shine.  It is usually in the moments when I would normally experience pain, heartache or regret.  It is in those moments when the light within me shines so brightly that I can get a good look at her. Her beauty is amazing and one I want to see, often.  I saw her again yesterday and I thought I would share the experience.

I was at the gym and part of the exercise was to run/jog 3 laps around the parking lot (1 mile). As I was halfway through the 2nd lap, a car pulled up next to me and the passenger rolled down her window. She was a fairly young girl, 19 or so if I had to guess. She was laughing, covering her mouth and pointing at me. She leaned out and yelled, “Girl, you are so fat you might as well give up!” I turned to look at her, smiled and kept on jogging. She laughed and her driver sped off.

I share this not looking for pity. I didn’t take it as a jab. I share it because it spurred me on. I know she meant it to harm but I have come a long way with how I see myself, so it didn’t hurt me like she intended. I share it to remind me that it is all energy and up to me how I allow it in. I can let it defeat me or allow it to quicken my steps.

I am thankful to the young lady for helping me pick up my pace. She also reminded me that I am doing this for me; not for little girls like her.

You see, I have discovered that I no longer need people to see me differently then they do.  What I have discovered is that I see me differently than they do.  When that young lady offered her opinion, a rather loud one in a public place, but an opinion non-the-less, I felt no anger rise in me.  I felt no need to defend my position.  I felt nothing but the rise of the beauty that lies within.  I felt my love rise to the the occasion.  For in that moment, I saw the hurt little girl she is hiding.  I saw the pain of the mask she is wearing and the little girl that felt the need to strike out and not feel so alone.  I also saw the beauty that lies dormant within her.  The one that longs to shine.

I see the beauty of the person that I truly am shine forth in the smile that spread so easily across my lips, in response to her words.  My inner beauty has no need for people to think she is pretty or attractive.  She has no need for people to see her peel away the outside layers, for she shines through them.  She is confident and beautiful and courageous and wonderful.  She knows who she is and it is enough to shine even in cloudy or stormy conditions.  She is light and beauty – and she is the real me.

I have no need for you to see me in a certain way.  I now am running on empty.  I have unloaded the burdens that were dragging me down.  I have shed the excess weight of being the victim, needing the sympathy, playing the martyr.  I can proudly say that I am running on empty and full steam ahead.  Thank you God.


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