Thank You For Being My Friend
In my continuing pursuit to “just be me”, I have learned several hard lessons lately. All of them move me forward and closer to where I want to be. These have been painful ones though and I share them with many tears and fond remembrances.
Foremost is that not everyone is happy when I choose me and what is best for me, instead of them. This includes those that I call my friends. I have had some truly wonderful friendships in my life and some of them have lasted many years. I have very few friends that have lasted my whole life.
Secondly, I have to allow those who don’t agree to have their reaction to my choice. This one is a hard one for me! I have always been the self-sacrificing type. You know. The one who will back off and allow myself to hurt so you don’t. That position no longer serves me where I am today.
Recently, I had to set a barrier that was for my own good. My choice hurt my friend and in the beginning, it hurt me too. Then I had to sit back and learn to allow my friend to have his/her own reaction. Wow. That was painful for me. There was a lot of anger towards me and I wanted to back down…briefly. I chose not to respond to the anger and just to allow it.
The choice I made ended our friendship. It was the best choice for both of us and it was painful. That experience led to the question: Why don’t I still have certain friends?
Usually, I begin asking questions of myself after an event that needs an explanation. I have had several friendships that have ended over the last couple of years. Close friendships that I thought would last but ended none-the-less for reasons that I couldn’t find; until recently. Before now, I would spend months, upset and almost pining for them as the grief moved through me.
In order to answer that question for myself, I had to look at it from all aspects. First of all, I have all types of friendships; ranging in depths from I “might remember your name if I saw you” to the one I consider to be my soul-mate. I also have friends that I speak to rarely but still consider them close. (One of the reasons I still have a facebook account) I have admittedly “cleaned up” my facebook account. 🙂
That is a saying that I have heard all my life and one that I now understand and agree to. I didn’t think it applied when it came to friendships however.
The truth is, ALL of life consists of change; even friendships. Some come and go. Some come and stay a while. Some are life-long. All are cherished and have had an impact on me. Some good, some it seemed not so good at the time. Looking back however, all of them have been good and essential to who I am today. All of them served me and I, them. So why don’t some of them last?
The why is clear to me now. None of us grow at the same rate. We grow, mature and awaken at different rates and at different times. Hence, we all have our own paths. Those we call friends hold our hands and travel with us for a while until one of us meets a fork and chooses to follow it. The ending of a friendship doesn’t really carry fault with it. One simply chooses a fork that isn’t on the other’s path.
I may meet those friends that I have let go of or have let go of me again one day. It just depends upon our paths crossing again and who we BOTH are at that time. We may choose to walk for a while again. We may not. I now know that I can look back upon each one and bless the time I had with them. Whether I got hurt or not. The hurt may have been the only reason I chose that particular fork which brought me to this place and time. It brought me to my current friendships and to the people who I will be honored to call friend in the future.
So I thank all of you who have honored, are honoring or will honor me with the privilege of calling you my friend. Your presence in my life helped me to be who I am today. I will cherish the time we have together and if at some fork in the road one of us may choose to turn away, I’ll turn to you and say, “Thank you for being my friend.”